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lotus eater

by Kylie V

1.
i am a fire belly toad i am everything you know and i'm everything you don't oh oh oh oh oh oh oh i am a fire belly toad soothe my skin leave me some gold feed me algae let me go swimming swimming oh oh oh there's something inside of me call it the fire i breathe i'm chewing but i have no teeth you will never be done with me i am a yellow belly newt tell me things you know aren't true write me stories just for you let me do what i can do i am a fire belly toad soothe my skin leave me some gold feed me algae let me go i am what you want to know
2.
strathcona 02:58
if i died tomorrow you wouldn't forgive me if i died tomorrow who wouldn't forget me if i died tomorrow you all would remember if i died tomorrow you would never see me again and pick those cherries and plums and pick raspberries and leaves and dance away your fucking fears and dance away your worst last years i see the cats on kingsway and kitsilano i see the storms coming in from the mountains i see my eyes in the flowers i see my body in the pavement i see the green i see the blue i see the plants and dirty shoes this is my heart's little home this is whatever i can do strathcona strathcona woo!! mind the gap between the happening and the realization it turns out you can still see my ribcage i never want to live when i am anywhere else and i take that as a sign that this life will be mine.
3.
lucy 02:45
i have internalized all of my bad feelings i don't feel good inside i feel bad i don't feel bad inside i feel good now i have learned my lesson i have learned to comprehend the origins of feelings i still don't know where you came from i still don't know why i feel like this i have yet to learn my lesson i don't remember you i don't remember you were you a family photo were you a family dog were you a girl with whom i fell in love lucy, lucy i am so sorry i'm bleeding from my nose it's on the tile on the tile i have yet to see my clock run out i have yet to see my clock run out
4.
look into your earnest little golden eyes tell me something that i didn’t realize leave you out a bowl on the kitchen floor got you, i got you, want some more i! am sick and tired! won’t you be the one i hold! i am getting so nervous and you’re getting so old what if i’m an exception what if i’m an exception what if i’m an exception can i be an exception? society of protection protection, protection society of protection can i be your protection
5.
it comes in waves just like the ocean it comes in waves and i wish it didn't i clean my room for virgo season i think of this and have no reason if you don't love your life you'll never get a life if you don't love your wife you'll never get a wife if you don't know yourself you'll never love yourself you'll never love yourself or maybe someone else it comes in waves just like the ocean i will wade my way through the ocean just to find the people that i love the most i will walk barefoot on rocks and glass just to find midheaven in libra i'm going to hell you better love your life or you'll never get a life you better love your wife or you'll never get a wife you better know yourself or you'll never love yourself you'll never love yourself or maybe someone else
6.
anxious 03:07
my favourite thing to do is be sad because when i’m sad i get angry and i like writing about my anger i’m so tired of being anxious cause when i’m angry i’m anxious and i cant write when i’m anxious and i cant sing when i’m anxious and my mom is gonna listen to this song and she’s probably gonna ask me what’s wrong and i’m gonna say that it’s just what i am this is who i am there is no god i like your socks i have no fear so! much! fear! i cannot breathe your words don’t speak they make me angry so angry i cry my favourite thing to do is be happy because when i'm happy i feel good and when i'm not i feel so bad i feel so bad i feel so bad i'm so tired of feeling sick i wish my feelings went away because with every passing day i fall for more and more i'm so tired of feeling sick i feel my body spilling out i feel my legs collapsing oh no oh no there is no pain i feel your love i have no fear so! much! fear! i cannot fly you make me cry you make me smile you make me cry oh no oh no oh no no no
7.
tansy (demo) 03:30
didnt you hear what i said i said i'd never love again i'd never quite made peace with the fact i'm never seeing you again guess you don't hear the things i say it's like i'm locked up anyway you know i'm fucked up that's okay i might just not get up today and keep it all together i love it way too much i'm holding all together i love you way too much this belongs to me growing strawberries spearmint memento mori and tansy tea i've learned too much a bowl of strawberries pen ink high priestess and tansy tea
8.
make me out of things you'd never say to me i am what the world thought you'd always be sick of playing tricks but i am nobody think of all the times you've begged 'someone kill me' have i been changed for the better? have i been felt altogether? have i been seen as a person? are we unknowingly well-versed in the psychosomatic touch of a hand in the summertime did you know me in a different life because now you are only a friend of mine you are only pulling me through this with the blue water and the thick delays with our lungs full of smoke we will be all right because we are okay and make me out of things you'd never say to me i am what your parents thought you'd always be happy, happy and alone i see think of the sensation when your nose starts to bleed
9.
how could i believe you your hatred grows like mushrooms treat us like we're people you treat us like a fungus how could she believe you perjury just deceives you i hope your family leaves you to rot in hell no respect no respect no respect not even a moral compass no respect no respect only my moral compass
10.
i felt like i was pushed against the wall it’s just not a part of me i think about it’s something that i barely touch at all don’t ask me if i’d ever eaten toothpaste i only wanted to melt bring me back to the green and grey tell me what i don’t think to say you can’t ruin another day i only wanted to stop feeling now i kinda know my feelings and i still don’t know my feelings but i learn to love my feelings i know that i don’t own this house and i’ll probably never own a house but at least i have my own belongings and i don’t need to wipe my mouth and you don’t tell me what to do i wash my eyes when i get home and wait and i hope you never change you don’t have to change for me and i might not be the one for you but i will always be a friend of yours i think i’d rather sleep on the floor everybody knows that i’m a body full of blood we can dream together and our bodies will turn into liquid together i know that i don’t own this house and i’ll probably never own a house but at least i have my own belongings and i don’t need to wipe my mouth and you don’t tell me what to do i wash my eyes when i get home and wait there’s an eyelash to wish on and it’s stuck between my teeth and i’m scared of crashing cars cause everybody knows that i would simply fall apart
11.
This is only temporary And you will be okay And you will flower yet again Like July, or was it August When you cried inside his arms About the stars And I was spread vacant on cotton They cut it like paper And I'm grateful for this life

about

"lotus eater" is a collection of songs self-recorded by me in late 2018 :)

this was such an adventure to create and i'm so happy to share it with everyone. hope you enjoy!! ::))

all songs recorded on unceded semiahmoo/katzie/tsawassen/tsleil-waututh/wsanec/kwantlen territory, thank you

special thanks to my dad matt van slyke, tim, celina, james, natasha, all my friends, and peach pit <3

credits

released December 16, 2018

drums on fire belly toad, midheaven, strathcona, and tansy by matt van slyke
everything else by kylie v

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Kylie V Vancouver, British Columbia

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indie rock fairy

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